What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 11:00
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im still living with it.
How does the narcissist react when he realizes you no longer care?
So whats the point in blame.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I write beautiful poetry .
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Do most men prefer curvy women or skinny women?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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I could never make a relationship work though!
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It was going to be , some day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why are the bands Smashmouth and Nickelback often used as punchlines?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why am I always so tired and I don't eat enough?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
What transforms the philosophical intellect?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I have no regrets .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But it wasn’t much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I will be 64.
I don,t even have a pension.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She wouldn,t have been !
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was 9 years of age.
She found it foreign!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She loved him until the end.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I think the readers, may guess!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was seconnd youngest,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Would this be the day?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Comes on , in middle age.
I said to her
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We all went to grammer schools
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So, i spoilt her more .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
(And it was in our own minds.)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ive learnt so much.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
All the time i was locked up.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Was to survive, this bastard.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was in good health!
What did i know ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She married twice! .
This is soul school!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
When she asked me how she looked .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Put me off passion for life!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My family never makes their pension either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Who then, do I blame.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot live in the past .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I waited trembling.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He knew the spot.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My life is so biszare .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But, we were locked up after school.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was scared of men, in general
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had hoped to write a book about this .